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IMPORTANT NOTICE: The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand and even electronically.  This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).  If you get WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!  This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. 

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately visit a bar or liquor store. I have been informed the the best antidotes for WORK are are: Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE), and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).  Take these antidotes repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

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Date: 2012-04-15, 12:34PM EDT
Reply to: qcjdd-2959244497@job.craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

Wanted: Trophy Wife…

I am looking to fill an immediate opening in my home, as soon as possible. The position will be demanding, but the perks of the job will absolutely outweigh the stresses of the day. Any applicants must be willing to perform a few simple day to day tasks…

First is to wake up every day in my arms. And even after we wake to lay there and enjoy that feeling of love and happiness. Before the kids bust through the doors, before the stress of the day even has a chance to make an appearance… just lay. After I am able to tear myself from your arms, you have an option: either enjoy a fine cup of loose leaf tea in bed, or by the fireplace. After… you make it through the tea, we get the kids ready for school, as a team. Pack lunches and snacks, get them dressed, breakfast as a family, and then off to catch the bus. At this point, I’ll be off for the day for another day at the office… but I will never rush off without holding you in my arms as if it were the last time… and just when I am about to let go, hold you for a little longer.

At this point in the day, you have some flexibility… you could spend some time catching up on the book you are trying to finish. Or head straight to the gym, in the brand new company car (our your choosing of course). This may include, but is certainly not limited to, any number of Zumba/Yoga/Crossfit/etc classes desired. All membership fees and workout clothes will be included as part of your compensation package. After the gym, please make full use of the whirlpool tub to relax. Or, if you don’t feel like the gym that day, head straight to the mall for some shopping or a pedicure or to get you hair done… all on the company credit card.

I hope your work environment will be suitable, as you will have your own corner office, with which you can fully focus on your writing career. Whether you are tinkering with a new concept, or putting the finishing touches on another masterpiece, this will be an ideal space with which to focus.

In the afternoon, you will have to pickup my son from preschool and perform an extremely important task. Have fun. Play in the playroom, take him to the park, play on the swing set, watch a movie with him… But be sure to save some of that energy for when my daughter gets off the bus…. And then the fun just continues… until I return home from the office. At this point I expect to be fully bombarded by my kids… dual hug style, knocking me to the floor, hands still full from just coming in the door. Once I regain my composure though, please be ready, because 8 hours of not being able to be by your side will be unbearable and my only thought in that moment will be to kiss you like it was our first and last kiss.

We’ll take turns cooking dinner… and often will prepare the meal together. We’ll eat as a family and listen to each other tell the stories of their days. After dinner, we’ll spend time with the kids together. Playing board games, doing homework, practicing instruments, singing songs, doing artwork, reading stories, going for bike rides…. After getting the kids off to bed, please be prepared to receive a massage by the fireplace, while the stresses and noises of the day go quiet.

Other perks, in no particular order: surprise picnics, weekend getaways, nights out for movies/dinners/concerts/etc, my singing you songs and leaving you notes, unbounded support for you writing career, boots… lots and and lots of boots… A true partner, in every sense of the word… in life, parenthood, friendship, and love. Finally, it will be my job to create a life with you… completely and utterly consumed by both passion and love.

• Location: Ashburn, VA
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 2959244497

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